these same people often suggest that those who do not say rude things to people's faces when they don't care for the person, or don't care for what the person has done, are two-faced for being polite to people. It occurred to me recently that these people, they are just polite people. There are two people in my life, that i encounter very occasionally, that i know do not care for me much. They do not act like we are best friends when we meet, but they are polite and pleasant. Occasionally in the past i have been hurt by that behavior, thinking in my head that "i thought we were friends" and then finding out that indeed we were not. i have to say suddenly, i realize a few things and i have to apologize to them for my bad thoughts about them.
I realize that they are no more or less my friends because they say things to others that are not totally complimentary of me. Perhaps they think of me as their friend, perhaps they do not. I’ve no idea. But being polite to people's faces, that just means you are a polite person with class. I have to acknowledge that even my "true friends", people that i sincerely like and enjoy spending time with regularly bug the crap out of me. I like them. I treat them nicely when i'm dealing with them because well, i actually do like them. i vent occasionally about them so that i continue to treat them nicely and be friends with them. This, i think makes me a normal person. And the being polite thing... it makes me polite. it means I’m being decent. Often the things that annoy me are not universal things that annoy all people, nor do those very things annoy me all the time, so telling them "this thing you do, it is annoying" would not be "nice" nor would it be helpful.
Now, this is not to say that there are not ways of being two-faced. if someone says they are my best friend to my face and tells me they love my new haircut, but behind my back tell someone else that they think i am a horrible jerk and that they hate my hair cut and that they hope that i fail in my life... that is two-faced, and i don't like it, and when i find out about that, i'm not going to consider that person my friend anymore. But it won't be because they were polite to my face; it'll be because they behaved in completely contradictory ways. And I don’t like that. And honestly, that reminds me far too much of junior high, a time that I’d prefer never to repeat.
The thing that is problematic is that people who are rude to people’s faces, they believe that all people in life behave this way. They do not understand that their behavior is not honest, it’s just rude, and they assume that all people who are polite to their faces are their friends, so when they find that people say not such nice things behind their backs, they feel betrayed. Only often they have had no real indication that those people are truly their friends.
The lesson that I’ve learned lately is pretty simple, whether people consider me their friends or not, the people that i would like to deal with are the polite ones. Whether those people are truly my friends or not I’d rather deal with people that are polite to me. Honestly, the ones that claim to be my friends, but then are rude whenever they get upset, I don’t want to deal with them, even if they think they are my friend. I’m pretty sure I don’t need friends like that. I’ll take the polite people that really aren’t my friends any day. At least those people are easy to deal with day-to-day. They don’t make me worry about the next time I see them, if they will be polite or not. So, to those couple of people that I thought bad stuff about—I’m so sorry. Thanks for being polite and pleasant to deal with, even when you don’t really like me. And honestly I appreciate the lie… (if that’s what one wants to call it). It makes it easier to be around you. And it makes you a far classier person! Interestingly enough…it makes me wish that we were friends. HUGS….
Way to go girl! I am glad you figured that out. Sometimes folks aren't worth the drama. And in life we do deal with all kinds of people. Be strong and do what you need to do for you right now.
ReplyDeletePrayers & Hugs!!
I've long since decided that most people who claim to be "brutally honest" are mostly using honesty as an excuse to be brutal. Many seem to me dishonestly brutal, routinely exaggerating problems, shortcomings, etc., to get an issue about which they can be "brutally honest".
ReplyDeleteThough it may be hard to believe based on how I acted when we were kids, I think it's usually possible to be both polite and honest. At least for me, being polite to people I dislike rarely involves dishonesty -- usually it just requires concentrating on the matter at hand without dragging in other issues that led to disagreement or pain in the past.