I'm learning something important in all of this. somedays, when i used to have a sort of cruddy day, i now have a downright rotten day, because i don't feel good. physically i never feel good anymore. or almost never. i feel emotionally shitty, and physically shitty and somedays i just want to go to bed and never have to get up again. i can't, and i won't, but that's how i feel.
today: one of those days. i have hay fever, i've always had hay fever and of course having leukemia won't change that. so today, i'm sneezing and feeling generally lousy. and i have all the usual exhaustion and such of having leukemia. and on monday, when they drew blood, it was someone new and she did a lousy job and left a dark purple bruise the size of a quarter or so. it's still physically tender. ugh.
nothing is terribly wrong, don't misunderstand. i just had lousy dreams, so i didn't sleep well, and i'm feeling generally lousy about my life, and just now, it all feels so monumentally unfair. i know that no one deserves to be sick. i get that. but some people make choices that they are aware may make them sick. like people that smoke, or drink a lot, or are promiscuous or whatever. it seems like at least they are or should be aware that the choices they are making may make them ill.
i on the other hand, was always the good girl. i've been drunk about 3 times in 43 years, and even those were not drunk, like falling down drunk, they were a little past the happy giggly stage. i've never smoked a single cigarette, or anything else. i've never done drugs, i've never slept around, i've done all the "right" things, always trying to be good. and now i'm sick. really really really sick. i have a disease that without treatment would kill me. and might even with treatment. because in spite of all the advances it kills people. and even with treatment may make my life pretty hard to live in. the treatment may make me pretty sick. what did i do wrong? why do i have to be sick?
and so, here i am.... feeling cruddy and sick and just wanting to sleep forever....it's a truly lousy day.
I don't have the golden answer, but I have learned when I was visiting children who had cancer in a children's home in Switzerland, that sometimes there is just no answer to this question.... For some odd reason they got cancer, the chips all fell somehow that they got cancer.... EcologicL impact, genetics,stress who knows....
ReplyDeleteThus may not be cmforting but how you are dealing with this sudden change and the unknowns of the leukemia makes you someone special in my eyes and in my heart... You have every right to allow these feelings to be there, what makes it special is he fact that you try to rise over them... Give yourself a me hug.... Love you...
I think the unfairness of illness is one of the hardest parts to deal with or learn to manage. I know, when Tim was diagnosed there was a lot of hurt and anger with the idea that he hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of illness. These days there's a lot of guilt because he doesn't have "real cancer" (meaning a truly invasive, need chemo, type) and that it's not fair that there are kids, moms, whomever, who are dying when all he had was surgery, etc, etc, etc.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying, I think (and poorly at that) is that with any kind of major illness is that you have the right to all kinds of pissed-off or sad or frustrated or scared emotions because, you know what, it IS unfair and it does suck donkey balls. And nope, you didn't do anything to deserve this; but fate, the universe or whoever decided to be an enormous bitch.
But, I have complete faith that you'll find your way through and even though things will be different I think in someways you'll find that you're stronger. Until then, on days like today, just remember to do something kind for yourself, that today will be over soon enough and maybe tomorrow will be better.
I am soo sorry baby girl! Melatonin helps you to sleep and it is supposed to be natural. Check with your doctor of course.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you!!!!
You are sooo strong!!!!
You are soooo loved!!!!!