since then

we've been marking time since then trying to get the kinks worked out so that i can go on gleevec. it sounds like i should be getting gleevec mailed to me shortly. in the meantime, the waiting is getting scary. it's been more than a week, and i'm on no meds. i asked jeremy to call the cancer care clinic tomorrow and inquire. the waiting is scary.

so far, during the day i'm generally ok. i've been managing to work 3 hours most days, with my daughter amanda handling the other 3. most days i take a nap in the afternoon so i can function in the evening. a couple nights i've had horrrible dreams. last night was one of those nights.

i'm scared of what the gleevec will do to me. i'm scared it may not work. i'm trying my very best to not be afraid. to joke about it. occassionally trying to "guilt" my hub into something with a pathetic face and "but i've got cancer"

my sister came to visit. that was wonderful. i got, at least for a week to pretend it almost wasn't real. i wasn't on meds. we went to NCFF and had a great time. i only cried on her should a couple of times. i'm not good at being sick. i don't like admitting when i'm hurting. i have the "tough it out" attitude, which isn't always helpful. i'm trying to admit when i can't do more. and i'm carrying on. because really i have no choice. this somehow must become my new normal. but i can hardly admit it's real yet. i don't want it to be. it can't be. how can i have CML? i'm too--everything. young, healthy, etc. it's not fair. and i hate this. please just let me wake up god. and let this not be true.