Sept 6

so, on sept. 6th i went in for a routine physical exam. we had just gotten insurance as of sept. 1 (thought we could finally afford it) and i hadn't had a pap smear in 9 years and figured i should have one. i laid down on the table and the doc asked if i was pregnant. "no" i answered. "are you sure?" "pretty sure" i say--feeling a little scared--i'm 43 (44 next month) and more kids are not my plan. she prods around and says "no i think you're pregnant--5 months. are you feeling any movement?" "no movement" i respond.

well, eventually she decides, no indeed, i am not pregnant and says "well maybe it's a really huge ovarian cyst. we'll send you for a cat scan and see what's going on in there". after 4 sticks and a blown blood vessel they manage to draw some blood, and send me off for a CT scan in about 5 hours.

unfortunately for me, i had not eaten breakfast that morning, and now i'm told to eat nothing until the CT scan, so i go home and start to worry. i'm "googling" what few symptoms i've seen--a funny stitch in my left side on some evenings, some bruises on my legs 3 weeks before, and a distented abdomen. i shouldn't have done that. i recommend not doing this. the results were scary--things like leukemia, hodgkins and lupus come up. (i jokingly tell my hub that it can't be lupus, it's never lupus! per dr. house).

the mammogram they have scheduled goes uneventfully, but the barium? it's aweful. i drink it like they tell me as quickly as i can. the lady doing the mammogram seems shocked that i have just drunk the damned stuff. she is also a bit shocked that i don't whine about how painful the mammogram is. i think i was too shocked to consider how mammogram felt. it was irrelevent. the CT scan is scaring me far to much to worry about anything else.

finally the CT scan. it is horrible. they put in a large bore needle so they can push the contrast solution quickly but before they do they blow another vein. i now have bruises in both elbows and blown veins in both hands. the contrast burns as they insert it. my arm is hurting where the IV is. and i'm terrified. by the time it's over i'm in tears. the nurse comes in (i haven't complained, what's the point? i just want it over) and is worried. as soon as they take out the IV tho, it's better.

i drive home and face some realities. i must prepare my family for this. it could be truly aweful and i can't spring it on them unannounced. so when i get home i call my mom. she's in cinci. we haven't spoken in a while. i explain that something (an unknown something) is wrong and i've just had a CT scan. i burst into tears. my mother now can't understand much of what i'm saying. and she's crying adn upset. eventually i promise to call as soon as i know more and hang up. then i call my sister in NC. she's not home yet. i leave a message askign her to call. my family has an SCA meeting to attend this evening so i go to that. trying my best to put on my game face. my sister marie calls while i'm in the meeting. i go in the bathroom to find some privacy to explain what's wrong and tell her i'll call her back in a while. when i get home after the meeting and dinner i cry more. she says to call back if i can't sleep. somehow tho, i managed to sleep mostly.