sept. 7

i slept well enough so that at 9am when my doc's office (actually my doctor apparently) called i was still asleep. Jeremy (my hub) didn't wake me up. about 9:30 i come downstairs looking for coffee and hear the news. My doctor wants to see both my husband and i as soon as possible at her office. like now. oh god. this can't be good. i know it's bad.

we drive over to the office and wait a couple of minutes then dr. babbet can see us. she comes in. her face looks terribly serious. i'm not sure exactly what she said. she starts out with explaining something about my white blood cell count. that it's really high. she says something about a normal WBCC being 5-6 thousand. and mine is 320 thousand. oh god. then she says i'm going to say some scary words. i remember thinking, i'm going to cry and i hate crying in public. "Chronic Myologenous Leukemia. we think you have it." i don't remember a lot else. the tears come. i can't contain them. i'm sure jeremy remembers a bit more. i don't. eventually i remember she says that she has this day and the next all planned out for me. that i am to go directly from here to the cancer care clinic. there is an oncologist waiting for me. and that tomorrow i'm to have a bone marrow biopsy. unfortunately i've watched House. the very words put me in a panic.

when i finally manage to stop crying dr. babbet--this lovely lady who i've only met yesterday gives me her home phone, her cell phone and her office phone and tells me to call day or night. anytime. ever. and gives me a hug. then we head for the cancer care clinic. on the way i remember wanting coffee. we stopped at starbucks.

the cancer care clinic is attatched to the hospital. there's special parking spots for cancer patients. we take one. WTF--this isn't real is it? surely this is a dream that i will wake up from momentarily. it can not be real. i'm young, i'm in better shape than i've been in years having just spent a year and a half losing 75 pounds. i feel fine. ok, a little tired, but fine. i can't have cancer. can i?

we go in. the receptionist is perhaps the dumbest person i've met since all this started. we tell her who we are and she says something like: "oh so it's like SURPRISE!" i burst into tears. again. my husband asks as we sit down, "how many people have hit her? and why isn't it hard enough?" everywhere i go this day, i'm in tears. the intake lady is nice. and very pregnant. and i cry while my husband talks to her. they offer me coffee. i go wait more. the nurse comes out--i think her name is Pat--she takes me back and starts asking questions and i cry more. the doc comes in--he reminds me of "beuller? beuller?" but i cry anyway. he says my white blood cell count is much too high. dangerously high. that it could kill me. and that they are going to put me on meds immediately to lower it. Hydrea. and that this disease, CML is easily treated with oral meds. that everything is going to be fine. i try to believe him. he says something about the bone marrow biopsy and i ask how painful it will be. "well, you wouldn't want to have one everyday". now i really don't believe him.

we go back to the pharmacy and get the meds. these aren't too terribly expensive, thank goodness. and head for home. i'm to take 3 pills am and pm and gout medicine to avoid the risk of that. i ask jeremy to call my family. i burst into tears everytime i think the word, let alone say it. i go to bed. the day is a blur. i'm sure i did more. i think we stopped at the yarn shop to tell amanda what the news was. i don't remember really. i texted a friend or two. and i asked another to stop over after work. i didn't want to tell her while she was at work. i think that was all on wednesday. it's hard to remember.